The Worst Day Ever, Part 1

Friday was a bad day. Like most bad days, Oak Park's parking department had something to do with it.

If you've spent any amount of time in the OP, you know that parking in this town is a bitch. Millions and millions of park spots all over the place, and you're not allowed to park in any of them.

Over the years, I have called the parking department in an effort to find solutions to various problems. I've left somewhere around a dozen messages in my lifetime, and not a single call has ever been returned. On the very rare occasion that I am able to reach someone in their offices, I'd say that solutions to my problems have been offered about half of the time.

There's a lot which I park in which has one of those "pay and display" machines. Basically, you buy a debit card from the village, and then when you park, a machine takes money off of your card, and prints up a receipt to put in your windshield. If the machine doesn't work, you're supposed to call a number posted on the machine. Personally, I have to call the number so frequently that I have it programmed into my phone under B for "Bitches."

On Friday, the machine would not let me insert my card. So I called the number, just like I was supposed to, and left a message with my info, never expecting to hear from them again.

But 45 minutes later, I actually got a call. Some dude said that I left a message on his supervisor's voice mail, and wanted the details. I told him the situation, and he said, "I don't know... We've only gotten one other call about this."

I was thinking to myself, "How many calls do you usually get about this? Don't two calls usually indicate a problem?" But I didn't say that. Instead, I politely informed him that every other car parked in that lot had their debit card placed in the windshield, indicating that they couldn't get the machine to work either.

"Well," he responded in the tone of a parent scolding his child, "everyone should have been told not to do that, because the heat will warp the cards, and then they won't work at all."

The balls on this fracker! I could not believe that he was giving me shit about this! One thing that has become abundantly clear in recent years is that Oak Park does not see parking as a public service. It's straight up business to them. And this is how you treat your customers?

So I said, "Well, the reason they weren't told was probably because the parking department is really bad at communication."

Then he audibly sighed, and said he'd look into it. Yeah, you go do that, bitch.

I hate Oak Park!

The Holy Grail of Baseball Caps

Why is it so hard for me to find a goddamn North Carolina baseball cap? All I want is the same cap the baseball team wears. And they have four of them! I'm even willing to settle for an unofficial version of the cap. But they don't seem to exist.

The authentic cap is made by Nike. It's fitted, with a mesh material similar to that of the original New Era batting practice caps. Each cap has the standard interlocking "NC" logo. As far as I can tell, there are four different color schemes: White with navy blue brim and logo, White with Carolina blue brim and logo, Carolina blue with navy blue brim and white logo, and Navy blue with Carolina blue brim and logo.

The overwhelming majority of UNC caps, official or not, have the same "NC" logo, and feature the same three colors of white, navy blue, and Carolina blue. Obviously, the overwhelming majority of caps in general have three primary components: The crown, the brim, and the logo. So three colors times three components equals 9 basic combinations. The baseball team uses four of them. Their official website carries 54 different types of hats. And not a single one is one of those four combinations.

How frack is that possible? It defies the laws of probability. It doesn't make any damn sense. But that's how it's been forever.

Last year, after searching far and wide on the internet, I decided to call the UNC bookstore. Surely, they would have it. And they did! But they wouldn't sell it to me, because I'm not a student.

However, they did give me the name of a store I could try called Chapel Hill Sports Wear. From what I can tell, they're sort of UNC's version of Grandstand. I called them up, and they said that they did carry the cap, but were out of stock. Fortunately, they were scheduled to get more in at the start of the season. So I placed my order, and a few weeks later, my hat arrived. However, Nike's sizing was way larger than New Era's, and so the cap was way too big on my head.

I called the store back, and they said that I should return the cap with a note, and they would send me the correct size. But of course, by the time my cap arrived back in North Carolina, they were sold out of my size. And so, I still don't have a cap.

Last week I was at Lid's, and they had a version of the cap. But it was purposefully "weathered," with stains and tears. I'm thinking of picking one up out of desperation, but it seems kind of lame.

So if you ever happen to see an official UNC Baseball cap, pick one up for me. My size is 7 1/8, except for Nike, which is apparently a 7. I'll pay you back. Thanks.

Star Trek Marathons

One of the few things which gave me incredible amounts of joy during my junior high years was WPWR's annual Star Trek marathons. I still remember my first one vividly. It was a NEXT GENERATION marathon, unusually spread out over 2 days, airing April 28th and 29th, 1993. I can even tell you the ten episodes, as selected by viewers, in order:

10. Deja Q
9. Q Who?
8. I, Borg
7. QPid
6. Cause and Effect
5. The Game
4. The Inner Light
3. Yesterday's Enterprise
2. The Best of Both Worlds, Part I
1. The Best of Both Worlds, Part II

As someone who'd been watching Star Trek for only 5 months, I was really excited to see the best that Trek had to offer. Unfortunately, my plans to watch it live were thwarted by the Ethnic Diversity Parade, which my junior high marching band was participating in that afternoon. Ms. Holliman told us that our only excused absences would be for funerals. Lame. But I taped them all, and watched them a million times.

Star Trek marathons were always so exciting, and I always looked forward to them so much that now I feel guilty about not giving a shit about the two (!) which are airing this weekend.

Starting at 7:00am on Friday, The Sci-Fi Channel is airing 22 episodes of ENTERPRISE. Then at 7:00am on Monday, they're airing 15 episodes of THE NEXT GENERATION.

If this were happening when I was 13, I'd be counting the days. But now, I don't care. I own every single episode of Star Trek. I can watch them whenever I want. Why would I watch them on TV? Why would anyone watch them on TV?

There's some guy posting on trekmovie.com who was complaining about DEEP SPACE NINE's new 1:00am timeslot on Spike:

That’s why I still haven’t watched that series, despite how much everyone seems to love and recommend it. The episodes are in such a dead-end slot, and I have no idea when they’ll be at the beginning of the series so even recording them wouldn’t be much use… and forget about DVDs. I don’t have that kind of money. :(

You don't know how badly I hope that that's some pre-adolescent kid who's just now discovering Star Trek for the first time. Just think about how much fun he'll be having this weekend...

Mariotti Quits!

Look at that picture, and tell me that guy's not a dick.

Jay Mariotti has finally quit the Chicago Sun-Times. Apparently, he went to China for the Olympics, saw that all the media is web-based these days, and decided to leave his newspaper for the greener pastures of the internet.

Why does this make me so happy? Because I'll never have to read another one of his columns again. I know I didn't have to in the first place, but I felt compelled to anyway. I was amazed by how someone held in such high regard could be such a bad writer. It was amusing to read his spin on some random story, often taking a quote and building some sort of elaborate controversy out of it. Then I'd flip back a couple pages to read Joe Cowley's account of events, which he was actually there to witness, and see how incredibly blown out of proportion Mariotti's take was.

I also loved how much he criticized people for using foul language, while simultaneously fighting dirty every step of the way. It reminded me of Mancow, who always talked about how much he loved Jesus, and then made his living by degrading random people.

If you're looking for some Mariotti highlights, check out this encapsulated look at his coverage of the 2005 White Sox championship season.

Or go to Jay the Joke , where you'll find all sorts of awesome stuff.

Woody Allen = Creepy Old Guy

Does anyone else get the impression that Woody Allen keeps writing roles for Scarlett Johansson in his movies just so that he can have her act out the sexual fantasies he has about her? Because I totally get that impression.

Rick Berman

Top 3 Topics from Rick Berman's IMDB Message Board:

"Retired?" by agrobbe

"Despite all his mistakes..." by rebelstrike

"Did He Pass Away?" by nicoliecarpathia2002

Scream

Matt just got back from Japan, and he brought me a copy of Wes Craven's SCREAM on DVD. This is especially cool because the Japanese disc features the director's cut of the film, only available on LD here in the states. Additionally, the transfer in 16:9, unlike the American DVD, which is 4:3. I watched it last night, and was reminded how insanely good that movie is.

Taken at face value, it's a slasher movie which holds its own next to the best of the genre. But it also acts as an analysis of the genre, sometimes quite literally. It asks why horror movie conventions work, and then challenges them to do so.

Formally, it's a very intricate movie. Everything needs to be a certain way for the film to get its point across, and the filmmakers balance all of the movie's elements very delicately in order to make it work on multiple levels.

Because the topic under analysis is openly discussed over the course of the film, the work of the filmmakers to reinforce these ideas structurally is often times overlooked. But from the first scene on, SCREAM is a really tight movie which is worth checking out again.

MLB Approves Instant Replay

Major League Baseball has approved the use of instant replay for disputed home run calls. The new rule will go into effect any day now. While some may see this as a bastardization of the national pastime, I see it as progress.

Call me crazy, but I think that all Major League Baseball games should be played in climate-controlled domes with artificial surfaces and instant replay. This is the 21st century for God's sake! Let's start acting like it.

While this is a step in the right direction, I don't quite see why it's being limited to home run calls. A report on espn.com indicates that out of 1,500 games this year, only 16 plays would have qualified for review. But how many blown calls do you see on a nightly basis?

People are all concerned that this is the first step on the slippery slope to dehumanizing the game. Let's hope so! Who cares about human? I want accurate!

As ESPN describes it:

Television feeds from all ballparks will be monitored in a "war room" in Manhattan -- one source called it "our NASA" -- where a technician and an umpire supervisor will have access to all games at all times.

I want that job! With one call every 100 games, that's a lot of free baseball-watching.

QT & Moore At the Movies!

After a gazillion years on the air in some form or another, EBERT & ROPER, or whatever it's called, is being replaced by some other film criticism show which is supposed to be much glossier and dumbed down. I never thought that the show was tremendously high-brow to begin with, and the only times I really bothered to watch it were when the guest host, of which there were many over the past decade, was someone whose opinion I thought would be interesting.

In particular, I was very impressed with Martin Scorsese and Kevin Smith. I also enjoyed watching the Harry Knowles episodes, mainly for the novelty of Ebert being "the skinny one." Richard Roeper always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't care if he's a Sox fan. His reviews were stupid.

Ebert and Roeper are being replaced by two fine gents whom I've never heard of before, and whose names I am too lazy to look up at present. I do know that one of them is a 26 year-old critic for E! who has a reputation for being a "quote whore," and whose dad is a critic of note. The other one is the grandson of the dude who co-wrote CITIZEN KANE. I don't give a shit about either of these guys, and I'm guessing the rest of the general public doesn't either.

But that got me thinking. Who would I want to see on this show? Who could they get that would compel me to tune in on a weekly basis? There's actually a lot of people. But my Dream Team?

Quentin Tarantino and Alan Moore. Tell me you wouldn't watch that show. Two incredibly smart guys who are also insanely good writers. Both have crazy-ass opinions on films, but they're crazy-ass in different ways.

Tarantino is a very visceral critic. He latches on to things which make him happy. And those things are generally a little bit outside the norm of what is generally considered to be good.

Moore, is much more analytical and logical, offering more thoughtful criticism. When he takes note of something being good, I listen, because whether or not I agree with him, I generally get the impression that he's right.

As far as intangibles are concerned, these two guys have such drastically different personalities that I imagine they would have great chemistry.

I want to see this show! When the current incarnation tanks, Disney should totally consider doing this. It would be the best thing on TV. Even better than BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!

Alex Sanchez to Appear at Yorktown Carson's!

From a flyer found at the Yorktown Carson Pirie Scott, 8/19/08:

To the surprise of his parents, Alex Sanchez started painting realistic portraits at age five. He now uses the face as his canvas, and Lancome makeup as his palette. He has painted faces in Paris, New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and now his "Magnificent" Chicago, where he makes his home and has established himself as a National Makeup Artist for Lancome. "Becoming a national makeup artist was a natural career transition for me. I have incorporated many painterly elements into my work in order to execute a more artistic and sophisticated level of makeup skill and technique, which has become my signature style."

In addition to being one of the artists of choice for New York Fashion Week, working with designers Badgley Mischka and Tracy Reese, Alex has been artist to the stars in the W Magazine VIP Suite at the Academy Awards. Alex has worked with some of modeling's biggest names, including Liya Kebede, Alex Wek, Eva Herzigova, and Karen Elson, as well as celebrities like Isabella Rossellini.

When he is not touching the faces of celebrities and clients, Alex touches the hearts of hundreds of women at uplifting events like Women Rock, which helps women with cancer look and feel their most beautiful. When it comes to sharing tips about makeup, Alex has a golden rule about the face: honor thy skin. "No woman should be without a good skincare regime. Makeup is embellishment, but great skin makes a woman gorgeous."

Alex uses a Cuban expression when describing his beauty aesthetic: pulir el diamante, to polish the diamond. Alex's artistry and intuition help women discover their own unique beauty. His aesthetic can be described as chic and polished with a sensual edge. "Women are multifaceted and at times contradictory, and I love how makeup can build confidence and energy in a woman, whether she is on the runway, at work, at home or on a hot date."

Alex believes that a woman is like a rose... soft, supple, fragrant, unique, growing more beautiful each and every day.

I Want to Believe THE X-FILES 3 Will Be Good

If you've seen Chris Carter's THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE (and your name's not Josh), then you know how disappointing it was. Nine years of quality television (sure, to varying degrees at times) all flushed down the toilet by an irrelevant monster-of-the-week piece of bullshit.

I hated I WANT TO BELIEVE much more than I should have because of the damage it did to the overall series. I don't know what it is about Chris Carter, but he hates continuity. He hates having what happened last week matter next week. Of course, the big joke is that his show is notorious for having one of the most complex mythologies in television history. I've seen every episode of the show, and I still don't know exactly what was going on. You really need a flowchart or something.

Over the course of the series, Carter painted himself into a corner by asking too many questions and providing too few answers. In the series finale, he provided one big ominous answer, but no resolution. Many people, including myself, saw this as a decent ending, and a promise of big things to come, should a second movie ever be made.

So here we are, six years later, with a standalone movie which not only sucks, but essentially erases what we have been hanging on to for those six years. And for what?

Carter needs to realize that "surprise" does not equal "good." I WANT TO BELIEVE had been covered in a thick layer of secrecy. Fake pictures were leaked on the internet to throw would-be spoilers off the trail. Members of the press visiting the set were sworn to secrecy regarding the nature of David Duchovny's facial hair. Carter gave interviews where reporters asked questions like, "Will Frank Black be in this movie?" His responses were along the lines of "That would be interesting, wouldn't it...?" Yes! That would be interesting! Why didn't you do that instead of dicking around with psychics and Frankenstein monsters?!

Through it all, I had hoped that I WANT TO BELIEVE would do off-the-charts business. I wanted it to knock THE DARK KNIGHT out of the number one spot at the box office, and go on to become the highest-grossing film of all-time. Why? Because that would ensure the existence of THE X-FILES 3.

Logic would suggest that no one should care about THE X-FILES 3 after the shittiness of I WANT TO BELIEVE. But Carter has essentially promised that the third film will be what the second one should have been. Anyone who is familiar with the show will know that the year 2012 holds a certain amount of significance to X-Files mythology, and could even bring long overdue closure to the franchise. I want to see that happen in a big bad way.

When I WANT TO BELIEVE very predictably tanked, my thoughts went to FUTURAMA. Here's a show which was canceled, but maintained a solid fanbase. Years after its cancellation, it's getting 4 direct-to-video movies. Why couldn't Fox use that same model for THE X-FILES? Surely, a DTV movie is better than no movie at all. But deep down, I knew it would never happen.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I read a story on joblo.com about a planned DTV X-FILES movie currently being discussed by the fine folks at Fox! Please let this happen. Don't let Mulder and Scully go out like that. Give 'em just one more shot, for the fans' sake. Please!

Veronica Mars

After years and years, I have finally finished watching Rob Thomas' VERONICA MARS. My opinion is that it's a damn good show. I'm not entirely thrilled about the last episode. I even might say that it jumped the shark in its final moments. But it didn't nosedive like most shows do at one point or another. And when's the last time you saw a series finale which actually worked? The last one I can think of was Ira Steven Behr's STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, which also happens to be the best show I've ever seen.

However, I was very intrigued by the proposal which Thomas did in an attempt to get renewed for a fourth season. In this 12-minute mini-episode, the series jumps ahead approximately 5 years. Veronica is now in her first year at the FBI. I'm not sure that this revision would have been as good as what had come before, but I think a dramatic reboot can often times help a show fend off monotony, and I would've been way into whatever they were planning to do that season.

As the show stands, it works incredibly well, thanks in no small part to the fact that Kristen Bell is probably the most adorable person on the planet.

See what I mean? The contrast of having this hard-boiled private detective who's also cute as a button works really really well. The show deals with some really heavy issues, but it never stops being fun. It's not light entertainment, but feels like light entertainment. It's a tremendously watchable show, and Bell has a lot to do with that. If you haven't seen it, I'd highly recommend it.

Hey DJ! It's Octaaaaavio!

The only thing more painful than watching Octavio Dotel give up two home runs (and the lead) in the eighth inning of Friday Night's Sox game was listening to Darrin Jackson repeatedly call Octavio Octovio. Hey, DJ! It's Octavio, with an A! It's been Octavio for the past five months. It was Octavio when you interviewed him for the pre-game show at the beginning of the season, it's Octavio now, and it'll be Octavio tomorrow.

This is something even I figured out 5 months ago, and I don't have one of those fancy pronunciation charts. Color commentating seems like an easy job. At the very least, you can pronounce the dude's name right. Or should we start calling you Dorrin?

James Cameron on ALIEN VS PREDATOR

Decision '08: Sarah Connor, Chuck, or Gossip Girl?

Every year there's some sort of TV viewing conflict, and one show has to be picked over another. But I don't think there's ever been a season where three shows that I watched with regularity the year before have all been on at the same exact time. However, that's the case this year.

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES, CHUCK, and GOSSIP GIRL will all air simultaneously this year at 7:00 on Monday Nights. My DVR is capable of recording two, so one's gotta go. I'm not into that downloading shit.

CHUCK seems like a shoe-in. It's probably the best of the three, and I don't see that changing much. TERMINATOR isn't the best show in the world, but I do like it quite a bit. And after all, it's TERMINATOR, so there's a certain amount of loyalty associated with that. Additionally Shirley Manson is a regular on the show this season, and that holds a certain appeal on numerous levels.

At first glance, GOSSIP GIRL is the odd man out. Truth be told, I haven't even watched the last four episodes of season one yet. But then I saw this on the side of a bus:


Apparently, this is their new ad campaign:


To take harsh criticism, and turn it into a positive:


I love it! I want to watch the show just to support this line of thinking. The best part is, GOSSIP GIRL has always been rather tame. There's no way it could possibly live up to the standards set by these ads. And yet, I'd like to see it try. Hence, my problem. Suggestions?

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK on Blu-ray

The coroner has ruled that Isaac Hayes' death was caused by a stroke. But I think an autopsy would reveal that it was in fact caused by the shittiness of the transfer on the new ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK BD that was released in the UK last week.

As soon as I found out that it was playable on American machines, I eagerly placed my order. Had I waited a few more hours, I would've learned that the "new" 1080p transfer was merely upconverted from 480p. To make matters worse, there is a perfectly good 1080p transfer which has been airing on cable for the past few months that could have easily been used for the BD. The reason it wasn't was because the 480p transfer is what was given to Optimum, the UK distributor, and no one there bothered to see if it was any good. That's some bullshit. Who gave them the shitty transfer, and why didn't they check it? Bitches, man. All of 'em.

On the bright side, I didn't have a copy of the movie anyway, and this one only cost me $27. And even with its flaws, it still looks better than any other available version. On top of that, the sound is as good as it'll ever get, with the new 5.1 remix in lossless DTS. So while I'm disappointed with the disc on the whole, I don't really regret my purchase.

So now where's the ESCAPE FROM L.A. BD?

T2: The Director's Cut: Not What You Think

Let me be as clear as I possibly can on this matter. The theatrical cut of TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY is the director's cut of the film. By that I mean it is James Cameron's preferred cut, the one he considers to be definitive.

In other words, the extended cut is nothing more than a curiosity. I don't care how many people refer to it as the director's cut. I don't care how many European video releases label it as such on the movie's actual menu (at last count, there were two. The extended cut is not the director's cut.

I have gotten into a lot of arguments about this, and no one wants to listen to reason, no matter how much evidence is provided. So let me just set the record straight here, for anyone who may question the truth now or in the future.

Like everyone else, I, too, once believed that the extended cut was the director's cut. After all, that big collector's edition, the "film school in a box" as it came to be known, contained the extended cut. That's the cut that I bought on LaserDisc back in the day (in pan & scan, no less), and with it came a rather ambiguous note from Cameron himself:

People sometimes ask why I would want to do a special edition of T2. Why "fix" something that ain't broken?

I see it not as a fix, but as an opportunity to do greater justice to the characters who live and breathe within the 136-minute confines of the film. This Special Edition in no way invalidates the theatrical cut. It simply restores some depth and character made omissible by theatrical running time and now made viable again by the home theatrical/laserdisc format.

The Terminator films are all about trying to change history, and the importance of the individual within the grand scheme of things. More often than not, we find that even if we cannot alter the events of our lives, we certainly have the ability to shed more light on them, to see them from a slightly different perspective. I think that not only the viewers, but the characters of these films understand this empowerment theme quite clearly. Not just Sarah Connor, but Dyson, Terminator, John, the T-1000--and even the late Kyle Reese--have all come calling to alter our view of the events in their lives as seen in the theatrical release of T2.

In this age of interactivity, special editions give viewers a choice between seeing a film as it was shown in the theater and seeing essentially a finished version of the initial conception of the movie. It's a look behind the curtain on the creative process that got the filmmakers to the version of the film that was released; one can see the ideas that were being explored. I think it's a good lesson for people who are interested in film, to see what is necessary--and what is not--to tell a story.

Pioneer and Carolco have worked closely with me and my tireless staff at Lightstorm Entertainment to give you this gilmpse into the alternative realities of T2. We have restored more than fifteen minutes of material to the film, to give you a different refraction of the T2 story, with new facets and old faces. Gary Rydstrom and his crew at Skywalker Sound have once again performed their audio mastery to mix new scenes, and the THX Laserdisc Program has helped to ensure that our work on the special edition comes through to you loud and clear. I hope you enjoy it.

Jim Cameron

That note is rather ambiguous, but it's inclusion with the extended cut seems to validate that cut. However, if you listen to Cameron's commentary on the "Extreme DVD" that came out a few years back, his true preference becomes clear:

I still stand by the release version of the film. I don't think we needed that dream sequence. I think we made the right decisions editorially, and I think that the dream sequence and some of the other things that we put back in for the extended version are good to sort of show the creative process, but, you know, essentially, making a film is an analytical and reductive process. You throw away the things you don't need.

I think that's about as close as we're going to get to him saying that he prefers the theatrical cut without just flat-out saying it. And yet there are still people who insist that the extended cut is the director's cut. I see these people as being similar to those religious nutballs who insist on believing whatever fairy tale their parents fed them as a child, no matter how much scientific evidence there is to the contrary. Like Carl Everett and his dinosaurs. Well, guess what Carl, James Cameron prefers the theatrical cut of T2 just a surely as dinosaurs once roamed the earth. Deal with it.

STAR TREK: A Geek's Perspective

Let me preface this by saying that I have absolute faith in J.J. Abrams and his team on the new STAR TREK movie that's coming out next summer. These are all the same guys who made MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III a couple years ago, and that picture is damn near perfect. This could quite possibly be the best Star Trek movie of all-time. However, I question some of the choices they're making.

First off, this film is taking place within normal Star Trek continuity. It's not a reboot. It is said that these dudes have great respect for the timeline, and co-writer Roberto Orci even views the novels as canon.

With that being said, there's also a time travel element to this thing. So in a sense, they can do whatever the frack they want. Abrams has even stated that main characters can die in this movie, and it would still fit into continuity.

Based on this, it is believed that STAR TREK will feature a BACK TO THE FUTURE-type scenario. Characters in the "future" will go back in time to some point before the start of the original series. When that happens, a new alternate timeline will be created in which events unfold differently from the original timeline.

I'm perfectly fine with this idea. I think it's a great way to relaunch the series without abandoning 43 years of history. The thing is, the changes need to make sense.

Star Trek is notorious for re-writing history by saying, "Well, remember, they went back in time. So now everything can be different." That's true. But tell me how the events in GENERATIONS somehow magically occur because the timeline was changed in the NEXT GENERATION finale, "All Good Things..." It doesn't work. And I'm afraid we have a similar scenario taking place with this movie.

As fans of Star Trek continuity, Abrams and Co. are undoubtedly familiar with Denise and Michael Okuda's wonderful reference book, STAR TREK CHRONOLOGY: THE HISTORY OF THE FUTURE. Obviously, a lot of stuff in that book is conjecture, but a lot of it isn't. So here are some things that we know about Abram's STAR TREK which concern me.






First and foremost, why are Uhura, Chekov, and Bones in this movie? None of them appeared until after STAR TREK's second pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," which takes place after the new movie.

You could get away with Uhura. It's quite possible that she was assigned to the ship at that point, and just not in that episode. But from a creative standpoint, let me ask this question: What good is she? Seriously, she doesn't do anything. You can't have someone else answer the phone?

Chekov doesn't make much sense, because he doesn't show up until Season 2. And while there isn't any sort of Chekov origin episode, when he does show up, they spend a lot of time making fun of how young he is. So if he shows up in this thing, he'd be, like, 19. And where did he go for those two years in between the movie and Season 2?

But the one that really bothers me is Bones. In "Where No Man Has Gone Before," Dr. Mark Piper is the chief medical officer. So it doesn't make any sense for Bones to be assigned to the Enterprise at this point in time.

Now, I understand why they'd want Bones in the movie. One of the reasons why people think the original series works so well is because of the holy trinity of Bones, Spock, and Kirk. Bones is the id, Spock's the superego, and Kirk's the ego. So without Bones, that dynamic is lost. Unless you want to use this guy:



Lt. Commander Gary Mitchell is very conspicuously missing from Abram's movie. The backstory established in "Where No Man Has Gone Before" is that Mitchell was a friend of Kirk's from the Academy. When Kirk was given his own command (i.e. in this movie) he requested Mitchell as his first officer. Replacing Bones with Mitchell solves all sorts of problems.

Moving on to other things that bother me, I don't like what I'm hearing about the production design. Now, I'm not proposing a NEW VOYAGES level of consistency. I completely see the need to revise some of the more dated design elements, especially when it comes to the sets. But why are the uniforms so different from what they theoretically should be?

Early reports are that they are very similar to the uniforms used throughout the original series, both in design and color. The problem is, those uniforms weren't worn until after the events depicted in the movie. Here's what the uniforms should look like:


Obviously, the differences are slight. Most notably, the turtleneck, no red uniforms, and no miniskirts for the women. I'm all for miniskirts, but not in this movie. Again, if they want to modify the uniforms to suit the needs of 21st century filmmaking, I'm perfectly fine with that. But don't make decisions based solely on iconography.

Next on my bitch-list, why are the Romulans in this thing? Doing anything with the Romulans pre-"Balance of Terror" just brings up way more questions than answers. No one's supposed to have seen these dudes prior to that episode, because the Romulan Wars of the 22nd century occurred before the invention of viewscreen technology. Well, the reality is that we beat the Star Trek universe to viewscreen technology by about 100 years. In fact, it beat itself on ENTERPRISE, and even then, they felt the need to come up with these elaborate scenarios to include the Romulans in the show without having anyone see them. Meanwhile, there was this huge elephant standing in the corner that no one was talking about. So if it were me, I'd just avoid the situation altogether, pretend that that little inconsistency doesn't exist, and move on to another, less problematic, bad guy.

Finally,



What the frack is he doing in this movie?

But despite all of this, we really don't know what Abrams has up his sleeve, and it's quite possible that all will be revealed, and make sense, on May 8th. Like I said at the top of the post, I have the utmost confidence in his abilities, and I'm sure that STAR TREK will rock hard.

Why I Hate Billy Fracking Corgan

One day in my high school freshman biology class, Leah Waldren stared across the lab table at me rather intently. After a few seconds she said, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Billy Corgan?" Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure it was the first time Leah had ever said anything to me. If you had known Leah, you'd understand that this was kind of a big deal.

Being the complete and utter loser that I was back then, I had no idea who the frack Billy Corgan was. At that particular moment in time, I didn't really care who he was. All I wanted to know was whether or not girls thought he was hot.

In response to her question, the only thing I could think to say was, "Who's Billy Corgan?"

"Oh. Never mind." And that marked the last time Leah ever said anything to me.

Over the next couple years, people would ask me the same question repeatedly. "Has anyone ever told you you look like Billy Corgan?" Yes! All the goddamn time! Who is this fracker?

The answer came in the summer of 1996. I was watching my cousin Steve during the afternoons, and MTV was on pretty much non-stop. One of the videos that played regularly was that Smashing Pumpkins homage to Georges Melies' A TRIP TO THE MOON. For the first time in my life, I saw Billy Corgan. And it FREAKED ME OUT.

He did look like me. He looked JUST like me. And it scared the shit out of me. Ask Steve. Every time that video came on TV, I would close my eyes and writhe around on the floor in pain like Luke Skywalker at the end of JEDI when the Emperor is shooting him with those lightning bolts.

It was terrifying. Like someone had stolen my body when I was asleep and forced me to sing shitty alternative rock against my will, and videotaped it, and then broadcast it on MTV seemingly 24 hours a day.

I could not stand it. I came, like, *this* close to having a mental breakdown. And the worst part about it was that from that moment on, to this day, no one sees the resemblance except for me.

It's like little baby Jesus played some sort of trick on me. He had hot chicks like Leah plant this idea into my head years in advance, knowing full well that I'd listen to them because they were hot, and then the moment I saw this doppelganging motherfracker, he flipped a switch, and suddenly I was the only person in the world who could see it. And now everyone thinks I'm crazy.

Anyway, for my own mental health I have avoided anything related to The Smashing Pumpkins for the better part of a decade. But then a couple weeks ago, the WATCHMEN trailer came out with that song from BATMAN AND ROBIN. I knew that there were two versions of the song on the soundtrack, and I was very innocently trying to figure out which was which. So, in a momentary lapse in judgment, I popped in my BATMAN AND ROBIN DVD (shut up...) which contained the music video for that Smashing Pumpkins song.

Suddenly, there he was. His big terrifying face filling my 112-inch screen.

Only now it's worse. When I was 16, I had hair and he was bald. So there was that slight disconnect. "Yeah, that's what I would look like if I shaved my head." Well, guess what. Now I shave my head! So now it's like looking in a goddamn mirror. And it still scares the shit out of me. And I know no one else sees it, but frack you all. I see it, and that's all that matters.

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS: The Screening

Yesterday I saw Dave Filoni's STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS at River East. It was one of those crazy promo-screenings. I was gonna talk about the movie, but screw that. Let me talk about the screening instead.

If you've ever been to one of these promo-screenings, you know how crazy they can get. First, you have to find out about them. That's not the easiest thing in the world to do. There are a lot of these things, but most of them are rather secretive. Sometimes a radio station is giving out passes, or a store might be handing them out to customers. For this one, I got a mysterious text message on Wednesday afternoon telling me to go to some weird website. That site told me to go to another website, which said that all passes were gone, but that some passes were still available for registered users. Then it had a place to register, at which point, it let me print out the passes.

Now usually, these passes are just bad photocopies. No one really cares if people make copies of their own, because the idea is to pack the house. Of course the flip side of this is that not everyone is guaranteed a seat. So you have to get there early. But more on that later.

These passes were much more sophisticated than the usual ones. Each one was personalized. They also had their own unique bar codes. When we went in, they actually scanned each one to verify their authenticity.

Like I was saying earlier, you never know how many people are gonna show up to these things, so you have to get there early. I went to a lot of these screenings back in college, because the student newspaper would give out passes to two or three movies a week. The thing that I love about these lines is that the first five people or so were always the same. I haven't been to one of these in over a year, but nothing has changed. It's still the same five people at the front of the line.

I don't know how they do it, but these guys must read all of the newspapers, all of the movie websites, and go all over the city collecting these passes. Obviously, it takes a certain type of personality to invest that much time and effort into seeing free movies. And that personality comes shining through while standing in that line.

It's kind of cool in a way. This is their social circle. They all know each other, and while it's obvious that they all come from different walks of life, they're all friends. And their conversations are amazing.

"Hey, did you see that movie yesterday? What was is it called? THUNDER something?"

"TROPIC THUNDER? With Ben Stiller?"

"I don't know."

"No I missed it. I went to see PINEAPPLE EXPRESS instead."

"Oh, I saw a thing about that on TV. That guy in there is gonna be the Green Hornet."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. That guy in the front on the poster over there."

"I can't see it from here."

"Yeah, but now what I really want to know is who's gonna play Bruce Lee."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, because there's only three guys I can think of who can do it. But you know who my number one choice is?"

"Jet Li."

"Bingo! You know why? Remember that movie that came out a couple years ago? I don't remember what it was called. But they had that billboard, where he's standing like this? (poses in kung fu stance) And he's got a mask on?"

"Yeah."

"I remember seeing that and thinking, 'He could do it. He could play Bruce Lee.'"

"Yeah."

"But I'll tell you what show I won't watch. KUNG FU."

"Why not?"

"Because you know who came up with that show, right?"

"Who?"

"Bruce Lee."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And that guy, what's his name? Carradine? He stole the idea."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Didn't you see DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY?"

So imagine listening to this for an hour and a half, at which point a security guard comes over and tells us that cell phones will not be allowed into the screening, so we should go back and put them in our cars. Cars? We're right smack dab in the middle of Downtown Chicago! Who the frack drove their car? Not to worry, we can check our phones into security on the way into the movie, and they will be given back to us, one at a time, at the end of the show. What could possibly go wrong with that plan? And don't even think about trying to sneak a phone into the theater, because metal detectors will be used. Of course, in the off-chance that someone is able to successfully smuggle their phone into the theater, security guards will be using night vision goggles to thwart any would-be pirates.

After discovering Star Wars Happy Meal toys under each of our seats followed by the obligatory t-shirt toss, it's time to start the movie. But due to technical difficulties, there's a 30 minute delay.

Finally, the movie does start, and a good time is had by all. But more importantly, justice prevails. No one records the movie on their cell phone, and THE CLONE WARS is safe from the internet for yet another day.

One last thing... why do the critics get the best seats at these screenings? You know they want to sit in the back of the theater. That's how they roll. So why not throw their pretentious asses with their little notepads back there and let us common folk who woke up at the crack of dawn to see this frackin' thing get the good seats? Bitches...

INGLORIOUS BASTARDS Cast

Yesterday was a big day in the movie world, as the cast for Quentin Tarantino's new movie, INGLORIOUS BASTARDS was announced. In case you hadn't heard, those bastards will be played by Brad Pitt, Nastassja Kinski, Eli Roth, David Krumholtz, Simon Pegg, and B.J. Novak.

Tarantino movies are so few and far between that when one gets past the rumor stage and into hard fact, my anticipation skyrockets. The two people in the cast who excite me the most are Brad Pitt and Simon Pegg.

With Pitt, it's because he's one of the best actors in the world right now. I love seeing great actors and great directors who've never worked together team up for the first time. It's kind of like seeing Ken Griffey, Jr. in a Sox uniform.

With Pegg, it's because he's not a superstar, but he's just as talented as someone like Pitt. By putting him in this company, it somehow validates his talent. I like how Pegg worked his way into stardom. He's a geek who made some geeky movies. Those movies were loved by Hollywood's elite. They befriended him, and now they're hiring him. Additionally, he's a funny guy.

So now the ball is officially rolling, and we should have a new Tarantino movie by June. I predict that this will be the best film 2009.

SEX AND THE CITY: Now With More Crap

This week, New Line announced the release of an extended cut of Michael Patrick King's SEX AND THE CITY on Blu-ray. I had the misfortune of seeing SEX AND THE CITY theatrically, and my biggest criticism, of which there were many, was that the film is incredibly bloated. At 2 hours and 28 minutes, King shows little to no restraint. There are so many needless scenes where the story stops for a moment of self-indulgence, that I was constantly thinking to myself, "Why am I watching this? It doesn't make any sense for this scene to be here."

I suppose it's possible that the additional footage could contain some sort of weighty subplot of ABYSS-like proportions. But who are we kidding? There is not going to be anything of relevance added to this movie. There's enough shit that doesn't need to be in the movie as it is. There's no way they would've left something important out in order to make room for the 80's clothes montage, or the comic genius of Kristen Davis shitting herself.

This is the downside of giving artists free reign. You tell King that he has 30 minutes every week to tell his story, there's no room for bullshit. You take away those parameters and there's no stopping him.

Michael Patrick King must be stopped.

The obligatory "extended cut" which seems to be popping up on every DVD these days is the editorial equivalent of colorized photography. It's getting out of hand, and something needs to be done before we have to sit through even one more goddamned minute of SEX AND THE CITY.

SPACED? Not That Great

With the release of SPACED on DVD in America, I decided that now was the time to finally watch this show. All of the right people were saying all of the right things about it, and with new commentaries by Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith, it felt like a sure thing. Unfortunately, it's not.

While the show is by no means bad, it lacks substantial value. It feels like it's constantly two or three steps away from greatness. I kept on waiting for it to take off and realize its full potential, but it never did. It didn't even really come close.

While I appreciated all of the geek references, it felt as though most of them existed solely to be appreciated.

A lot has been said of the show's visual style. Edgar Wright's direction has been praised for being much more ambitious than the average sitcom. While that's true, his ambition outweighs his talent. Most of the crazy whip pans and scene transitions don't work. The style draws so much attention to itself that it's distracting more than anything else.

Recently the creators of SPACED freaked out when word leaked that McG was developing a remake of the show for American television. One of their complaints was that they had not been consulted. This is understandable. Another was that the show came from a very personal place.

Well they've also said that they always hoped that the show would connect with viewers on a personal level. In that respect, it was a success. McG is a geek, too. He's a producer on both THE O.C. and CHUCK, two shows which interweave their geek references into something more. He's also a better filmmaker than Wright, despite what people say. It's too bad we'll never get to see his take on the series.

As for not being consulted, I'm curious as to how much discussion Wright has had with Stan Lee in regards to his upcoming film, ANT-MAN...

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

MON 8/11 Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones (HD! 2002, G. Lucas)

8/19 The Scoprion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (HD! 2008, R. Mulchay)



MON 8/25 The Monster Squad (1987, F. Dekker)



9/2 Bullitt (HD! 1968, P. Yates)


WED 9/10 Jerry Maguire (HD! 1996, C. Crowe)


9/16 Risky Business (HD! 1983, P. Brickman)


9/23 The Godfaher: Part II (HD! 1974, F.F. Coppola)


9/30 Mission: Impossible III (HD! 2006, J.J. Abrams)