Schindler vs. Jehovah

While most people see Jehovah's Witnesses as an annoyance, I see them as a challenge. Obviously, they try really hard to convert people to Christianity. But speaking as a hardcore atheist, nothing in life would give me a greater sense of accomplishment than converting a Jehovah's Witness to atheism.

These guys are very crafty. My friend Ed told me that on numerous occasions they've tricked him into opening the door by having a cute girl ring the bell while all of the old guys stood off to the side, out of sight. They word things in such a way that it leaves little room for debate. But last week when they showed up at my door, they slipped up a bit, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

My regular witness, a middle-aged woman, showed up with an older woman. She was looking for Steve. I told her that there was no one by that name at my house, but she wouldn't believe me. So she asked me again, and with a chuckle I said, "Well, I guess I could see if he's living in back room. I haven't been back there in a while." She laughed, and said "Okay."

...and then there were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence before I realized that she thought I was serious. I told her that I was kidding, and that no one named Steve lived at my house.

As usual, she didn't skip a beat, asking me if I'd like a copy of The Watchtower. I said okay, and figured that was the end her visit. But then she asked me if I studied the Bible. I told her I used to, but not anymore.

All of a sudden, her eyes lit up. "What? Why?" I told her that I was raised Catholic, but then I grew up, and realized that most mythologies since the dawn of time existed in order to explain the unexplainable, and as scientists came up with better explanations, each of these mythologies slowly but surely disappeared. And sooner or later, everything will be explained with science, and there will be no need for the supernatural explanations which today's mythologies provide.

She looked at me like she kind of didn't know what I was talking about and said, "So you're one of those... What do they call them?"

ME: Atheists?

HER: Right! You're an atheist?

ME: Absolutely.

HER: Well if God doesn't exist, then where did all of this come from?

ME: Evolution.

HER: Oh... So you believe in that... theory.

ME: Yes. Just like you believe in the theory of God. The only difference is that there is plenty of proof to back up my theory, and absolutely no proof to support yours.

HER: What about the Bible?

ME: The Bible was written by men. Kind of like Star Trek was written by men.

At this point she looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "Well, you do know that Star Trek isn't real, right?"

ME: Yes, of course I know that Star Trek isn't real. But it makes a lot more sense than anything that's in the Bible.

HER: Well then how do you explain how the Earth is floating in space, do you think it's being held up by four giant elephants or something?

ME: No, I think it's being held up by gravity. You know, rotating around the sun?

HER: Well what about the flowers and birds and everything? Where did they come from?

ME: I told you. Evolution.

HER: Well let me ask you a question. What has evolution done for you?

ME: It gave me thumbs, and stereoscopic vision, and all kinds of cool stuff.

HER: Well what has it done for you lately?

ME: Not much. It did its job really well a long time ago.

HER: Man was created by God.

ME: No, God was created by man. Man created God as a coping mechanism, because people cannot wrap their heads around the idea that some day they will cease to exist.

This led to a discussion of the last days, which apparently are upon us. She asked me if I had noticed things getting worse over the past few years. I said sure, but we're talking about an extraordinarily small amount of time which is in no way indicative of all existence. At this point, the old lady entered the conversation:

OLD LADY: Well I'm 90 years old, and I can tell you that things have definitely gotten worse in my lifetime.

ME: Yeah, but cosmically speaking, 90 years is still an incredibly short amount of time. It's just a blip in history.

At that point, they gave up, handed me a Watchtower, and left. The thing I love about these guys is that I say all this stuff, and they look at me like I'm the crazy one. What can you do...