Billy Wilder's Election '08

So far, my favorite character in this year's election is Bristol Palin's fiance, Levi Johnston. Do you think he ever anticipated himself factoring into the decision of who will lead this country? In my mind, the series of events closely mirror those in Billy Wilder's masterpiece, ONE, TWO, THREE.

And while we're on the subject of ONE, TWO, THREE, who the frack has my copy? I lent it to someone about five years ago, and I never got it back. Everyone's denying they have it. But someone does, so give it back. Thanks.

SPOILERS!

Anyway, in that movie, James Cagney plays the head of the Coca-Cola bottling plant in West Berlin shortly after the wall went up. He's desperately trying to get transferred to London, and he finally sees the opportunity arise when his boss's 18 year-old daughter stops by Berlin on her vacation in Europe. All Cagney needs to do is keep her out of trouble, and the London job is his.

Inevitably, the girl's been sneaking to the other side of the wall, where she's married a communist. After going through the trouble of having the marriage annulled, Cagney finds out that she is, in fact, pregnant. Then begins a mad dash to make this dude respectable and get the couple remarried before the boss arrives in Berlin to pick up his little girl. They pay off a baron to adopt the dude, making him royalty, and then clean him up and give him enough money to realize that capitalism isn't so bad after all.

END SPOILERS!

Don't you get the impression this is what's happening with Levi Johnston? They give Palin the nomination. She says, "Thanks! By the way, my teenage daughter is pregnant." The GOP freaks out.

Quick, where's the father? It's this dude over here! Levi Schwartz? How about Levi Johnston? That sounds better. Wanna get married? But you're already 18! You've got one foot in the grave anyway. Well, how 'bout we send you to Yale, and then give you a nice big government job on the way out. You! go down to the jeweler and buy that girl a ring. Did we forget anything? Oh, thank God.

The whole thing really does feel like a screwball comedy. And what's really gonna be funny is four months from now, after McCain is elected, when Bristol pops that kid out, and it's black.