Obama's Favorite Team Clinches!

Now I can relax for a day.

Question of the Day

"So, is this a pretty good movie?"

--Asked by cashier at Best Buy while purchasing The Godfather Trilogy on Blu-ray

Neal Cotts: The Anti-Curse?

While listening to the Cubs clinch the division yesterday, I had a thought. If they go on to win the World Series this year, Neal Cotts will become the answer to an awesome trivia question. If I'm not mistaken, he will become the only player in history to have won a championship on both sides of Chicago.

Schindler vs. Jehovah

While most people see Jehovah's Witnesses as an annoyance, I see them as a challenge. Obviously, they try really hard to convert people to Christianity. But speaking as a hardcore atheist, nothing in life would give me a greater sense of accomplishment than converting a Jehovah's Witness to atheism.

These guys are very crafty. My friend Ed told me that on numerous occasions they've tricked him into opening the door by having a cute girl ring the bell while all of the old guys stood off to the side, out of sight. They word things in such a way that it leaves little room for debate. But last week when they showed up at my door, they slipped up a bit, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

My regular witness, a middle-aged woman, showed up with an older woman. She was looking for Steve. I told her that there was no one by that name at my house, but she wouldn't believe me. So she asked me again, and with a chuckle I said, "Well, I guess I could see if he's living in back room. I haven't been back there in a while." She laughed, and said "Okay."

...and then there were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence before I realized that she thought I was serious. I told her that I was kidding, and that no one named Steve lived at my house.

As usual, she didn't skip a beat, asking me if I'd like a copy of The Watchtower. I said okay, and figured that was the end her visit. But then she asked me if I studied the Bible. I told her I used to, but not anymore.

All of a sudden, her eyes lit up. "What? Why?" I told her that I was raised Catholic, but then I grew up, and realized that most mythologies since the dawn of time existed in order to explain the unexplainable, and as scientists came up with better explanations, each of these mythologies slowly but surely disappeared. And sooner or later, everything will be explained with science, and there will be no need for the supernatural explanations which today's mythologies provide.

She looked at me like she kind of didn't know what I was talking about and said, "So you're one of those... What do they call them?"

ME: Atheists?

HER: Right! You're an atheist?

ME: Absolutely.

HER: Well if God doesn't exist, then where did all of this come from?

ME: Evolution.

HER: Oh... So you believe in that... theory.

ME: Yes. Just like you believe in the theory of God. The only difference is that there is plenty of proof to back up my theory, and absolutely no proof to support yours.

HER: What about the Bible?

ME: The Bible was written by men. Kind of like Star Trek was written by men.

At this point she looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "Well, you do know that Star Trek isn't real, right?"

ME: Yes, of course I know that Star Trek isn't real. But it makes a lot more sense than anything that's in the Bible.

HER: Well then how do you explain how the Earth is floating in space, do you think it's being held up by four giant elephants or something?

ME: No, I think it's being held up by gravity. You know, rotating around the sun?

HER: Well what about the flowers and birds and everything? Where did they come from?

ME: I told you. Evolution.

HER: Well let me ask you a question. What has evolution done for you?

ME: It gave me thumbs, and stereoscopic vision, and all kinds of cool stuff.

HER: Well what has it done for you lately?

ME: Not much. It did its job really well a long time ago.

HER: Man was created by God.

ME: No, God was created by man. Man created God as a coping mechanism, because people cannot wrap their heads around the idea that some day they will cease to exist.

This led to a discussion of the last days, which apparently are upon us. She asked me if I had noticed things getting worse over the past few years. I said sure, but we're talking about an extraordinarily small amount of time which is in no way indicative of all existence. At this point, the old lady entered the conversation:

OLD LADY: Well I'm 90 years old, and I can tell you that things have definitely gotten worse in my lifetime.

ME: Yeah, but cosmically speaking, 90 years is still an incredibly short amount of time. It's just a blip in history.

At that point, they gave up, handed me a Watchtower, and left. The thing I love about these guys is that I say all this stuff, and they look at me like I'm the crazy one. What can you do...

The Second Coming

I've been reading I'M A LEBOWSKI, YOU'RE A LEBOWSKI, a book written by the founders of Lebowski Fest. In it is an interview with John Turturro where he discusses his plans for THE SECOND COMING, a movie which I heard about a while back, and which we need to do everything in our power to get made. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

John Turturro: Joel and Ethan, I've been talking to them about doing not exactly a sequel, but a spinoff of the Jesus. I wanna call it THE SECOND COMING. I've got a whole scenario now and I'm going to meet with them and talk to them about it. I don't know if they would want to direct it, but maybe they would just write it. Low budget. The Jesus gets out of prison and you see him, and then he has to go to his brother to get a job. And he tries different jobs, and he winds up driving a school bus.

And then there is a sports team, and they usually have their own driver, but he replaces him, and he has to drive a school team of girl volleyball players. So it's kind of a road movie.

So you would see his trailer-trash father when he got out of prison. The guy lives in a trailer, and that would be like F. Murray Abraham. He'd be Joseph.

Then, like THE BAD NEWS BEARS, he gets lured back into bowling. Or he tries to bowl and not be aggressive, but he's no good that way. He gets back in shape like Rocky. And then enters this big tournament and maybe wins money so that they can have a new volleyball field. Some shit like that.

And, you know, he prays for strength. And of course God is the Dude.

Bums: Of course.

JT: And the dude comes and gives him, "Be cool. Hang out." So it's kind of like a spinoff. THE SECOND COMING. He shows them all because he's an expert dancer of Latin dances. And maybe he hooks up with his old partner.

Bums: Liam!

JT: Liam. And the Jesus.

Bums: One more question, on the topic of a sequel. John Goodman mentioned THE SECOND COMING, and said that the Coen brothers say they're only going to do one sequel, and it's called OLD FINK. They're going to wait until you get older and do a sequel to BARTON FINK.

JT: Yeah, that they're serious about. This, I just want them to write. They don't have to direct this. I'll direct it myself. I'll make a low-budget film of the Jesus. I feel like I have to do it for THE BIG LEBOWSKI fans. Almost like I have no choice now. And I've got to do it within the next couple of years.

I tell them, "We can make like the lowest-budget film of all-time. It's about the Jesus." It's not a sequel. OLD FINK is a sequel. This is more of a spinoff. Starring, you know, the Jesus.

Please, God, please! Let this happen! I need to see this movie now!

Billy Wilder's Election '08

So far, my favorite character in this year's election is Bristol Palin's fiance, Levi Johnston. Do you think he ever anticipated himself factoring into the decision of who will lead this country? In my mind, the series of events closely mirror those in Billy Wilder's masterpiece, ONE, TWO, THREE.

And while we're on the subject of ONE, TWO, THREE, who the frack has my copy? I lent it to someone about five years ago, and I never got it back. Everyone's denying they have it. But someone does, so give it back. Thanks.

SPOILERS!

Anyway, in that movie, James Cagney plays the head of the Coca-Cola bottling plant in West Berlin shortly after the wall went up. He's desperately trying to get transferred to London, and he finally sees the opportunity arise when his boss's 18 year-old daughter stops by Berlin on her vacation in Europe. All Cagney needs to do is keep her out of trouble, and the London job is his.

Inevitably, the girl's been sneaking to the other side of the wall, where she's married a communist. After going through the trouble of having the marriage annulled, Cagney finds out that she is, in fact, pregnant. Then begins a mad dash to make this dude respectable and get the couple remarried before the boss arrives in Berlin to pick up his little girl. They pay off a baron to adopt the dude, making him royalty, and then clean him up and give him enough money to realize that capitalism isn't so bad after all.

END SPOILERS!

Don't you get the impression this is what's happening with Levi Johnston? They give Palin the nomination. She says, "Thanks! By the way, my teenage daughter is pregnant." The GOP freaks out.

Quick, where's the father? It's this dude over here! Levi Schwartz? How about Levi Johnston? That sounds better. Wanna get married? But you're already 18! You've got one foot in the grave anyway. Well, how 'bout we send you to Yale, and then give you a nice big government job on the way out. You! go down to the jeweler and buy that girl a ring. Did we forget anything? Oh, thank God.

The whole thing really does feel like a screwball comedy. And what's really gonna be funny is four months from now, after McCain is elected, when Bristol pops that kid out, and it's black.

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

WED 9/10 Jerry Maguire (HD! 1996, C. Crowe)


9/16 Risky Business (HD! 1983, P. Brickman)


9/23 The Godfather: Part II (HD! 1974, F.F. Coppola)


9/30 Mission: Impossible III (HD! 2006, J.J. Abrams)


10/7 Hannibal (2001, R. Scott)


10/14 The Matrix (HD! 1999, A. Wachowski & L. Wachowski)


10/21 From Dusk Till Dawn (HD! 1996, R. Rodriguez)


10/28 Chasing Amy (1997, K. Smith)

Best... Movies... Ever...?

You know those guys you see in the DVD aisles at Best Buy? They're usually just browsing, looking for a good blind buy. And the movies that they pick are inevitably things like DARK BLUE, SNAKE EYES, or EXIT WOUNDS. If they've seen a movie theatrically that they like enough to buy, it'll be something like AMERICAN GANGSTER. They're the reason why movies like THE ART OF WAR II are made.

Occasionally, these guys will see you browsing with your own stack of movies, and be like, "Hey, any suggestions?" I always try to trick them into something like SYDNEY in the hopes that it'll blow their minds and make them reconsider what it is the medium is capable of.

There are two movies which I saw trailers for over the weekend which look incredible. They are both quintessential examples of movies that these guys buy.

The first is RIGHTEOUS KILL. It stars Academy Award Winner Robert DeNiro, and Academy Award Winner Al Pacino as two cops who play by their own rules! The premise is that there's a serial killer who's killing criminals that beat the system. The twist is that he's a cop! The trailer features such lines as "We gotta find this guy. Give him a medal!" and "There's nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot!" Toss in 50 Cent to add some street cred, and Carla Gugino as the voluptuous female cop, and you've got yourself a bestseller. Did I mention it's from the director of Pacino's last big hit, 88 MINUTES? One way or another, this movie's gonna be awesome!

The second movie is FAST & FURIOUS. See what they did there? It's like THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, only without the the's. See, they're kicking it old school, bringing back Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. As the tagline puts it, "New Model, Original Parts." When I saw the trailer for this before DEATH RACE, I swear to God I heard a hushed, wavering voice from the back of the theater say, "Best... movie... ever...!" And when the "Summer 2009" card came up at the end of trailer, the audience was not amused. I guarantee that if they said, "FAST & FURIOUS will be showing immediately following the conclusion of DEATH RACE," everyone in that theater would've stayed, including myself. And I don't give a shit about that series.

RIGHTEOUS KILL and FAST & FURIOUS will have record-setting blind buys from those guys at Best Buy, and it's a good thing too. Because I really can't imagine anyone buying those movies after they've seen them.

The Worst Day Ever, Part 2

So later that day, I sliced my finger open on a jagged piece of metal. Normally, I wouldn't have worried about it. But it was bleeding a lot. At one point, I thought I had stopped it, and then looked down to see my entire hand literally dripping with blood.

After about half an hour of this, I decided to call the nurse hotline. The nurse told me how to stop the bleeding, and said that I shouldn't worry about the cut, aside from getting a tetanus shot. After debating back and forth whether this was worth a trip to the emergency room, or whether I was just being paranoid, I decided that it would be a good idea to have a tetanus shot anyway, so I might as well walk down to the hospital, which is a block away from my house.

When they finally gave me a room, a guy who was probably younger than me came in to scrub my wound with a surgical sponge. After scrubbing for a while, he said "Whoops!" and dropped the sponge on the floor. Then he picked it up, and was about to scrub some more, before realizing what it was he was doing. Then he said, "Well, I don't think we're gonna get it much cleaner than that," and walked away.

A little later, another guy came in and told me to lie down. I was starting to get the feeling that this was a BIG LEBOWSKI moment. I got the impression that this doctor was a good man. And thorough. And it freaked me out. But I laid down, and he looked at my finger, and said I needed a "steri-strip" and a tetanus shot. Then he asked me when I had to go back to work. I told him Monday. He thought about it, and said "You'll be fine by then," and walked away.

At this point, I started freaking out a little bit. What the frack is a steri-strip, and why would it keep me out of work for two days?

I found out while later when someone else came in to apply it. Apparently, it's just a piece of tape which is designed to hold the wound closed. But because of the size and location of the cut, the technician couldn't figure out how to put it on. She finally put a little piece on, and said, "Keep it clean and dry, and it'll fall off on its own." It ended up falling off before I was able to get out the door.

So then she said, "Okay. You're done." "What about the tetanus shot?" I asked. That's the whole reason I went in there. I didn't need to wait an hour and a half to get a piece of tape put on my finger. She checked back with the doctor, and he said she might as well give me the shot. So she did, and then I left.

And this is why I try to avoid going to see doctors. Usually, they tell me to drink more water. In this case, they put a piece of tape on my finger. Was that really worth the time and effort? Um... no.