The First Fan

A Birthday Gift Idea

It's only a month until my birthday, so if you're looking for gift ideas, here's a good one.


MSRP is $2,717.01, which I know is a little steep. But if you pre-order it from Big Bad Toy Store, it's only $2,199.00. But you better hurry, it's limited to only 1,701 chairs.

Bitches and Their Candles

This week, the Golden Globe nominations were announced, and they prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that these 87 gossip columnists from around the world are abso-fracking-lutely off-the-wall insane.

Let's start with the comedies, work our way up slowly to the real batshit craziness. The nominees for Best Comedy are BURN AFTER READING, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, IN BRUGES, MAMMA MIA!, and VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. Okay. Look. If those were really the five best comedies of the year, I wouldn't be able to deal with this world. It's a typical list of movies my grandma would like. Nothing too challenging. Just enough to give you a little chuckle. Well where the frack is ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO or any of the other millions of truly funny movies that come out every year? Or what about something like IRON MAN, which is truly bad-ass, but in a light-hearted way? The simple fact of the matter is the Hollywood Foreign Press Association doesn't have a sense of humor.

The nominees for best drama are even worse. THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, FROST/NIXON, THE READER, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, and SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. I've only see two of those movies. FROST/NIXON was very good, but not deserving of a nomination. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE was a contrived piece of bullshit. As for the other three, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that none of them come anywhere close to being as good as THE DARK KNIGHT. God, I hope they're all better than THE DARK KNIGHT, because that would make them three of the best movies ever made. But I think the more likely scenario is that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is made up of a bunch of morons.

Most of the time, I can understand my choice for the year's best film not being the popular choice. Take last year, for example. DEATH PROOF was my favorite movie, but I knew there was no chance of it getting nominated for anything. It's a movie for movie-lovers. It doesn't have some sort of astounding message or anything like that. Don't get me wrong. It was way better than NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. But it wasn't plot-driven. It wasn't mainstream. It had flaws. It could be picked apart.

But THE DARK KNIGHT? That shit is air tight. It works perfectly on every level. In fact, I think it's been proven mathematically that it is indeed the best film of the year. When I hear people criticize the film, I can't help but think that they're just plain wrong. It's like those people who say CITIZEN KANE is a bad movie. Does anyone really take them seriously?

Yeah, I compared THE DARK KNIGHT to CITIZEN KANE. Deal with it.

My point is this. July 17th, 2008 is a very memorable day for me. I woke up at 6:00am and was at work by 7:30. I assembled our print of THE DARK KNIGHT and watched it. It was one of those movies where I instantly knew that I had just seen something truly extraordinary. That only happens a couple times a decade. After that, I had to work all day. It didn't really bother me, because I was on a DARK KNIGHT high. But then at Midnight, it came time to screen our other movie for the week, MAMMA MIA! Talk about crashing. Everything that I loved about THE DARK KNIGHT was missing from MAMMA MIA!, only to be replaced by shit, shit, and more shit.

And yet here we are, five months later, and guess which one the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has nominated as Best Picture.

Bitches and their candles.

Merry Christmas, Batman!

I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised by the quality of the new Batman cartoon, THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD. When I heard that they were adopting a campy aesthetic, it scared me. But the final product has actually been quite funny. It's a very interesting contrast to THE DARK KNIGHT, and I like it.

However, as fun and light as this show may be, I was shocked by this week's episode, entitled INVASION OF THE SECRET SANTAS. It starts off harmlessly enough, but then takes a turn for the sick and twisted, revealing what may be the darkest Batman origin in history.

SPOILERS:

The premise of the episode is that Red Tornado is attempting to feel the Christmas Spirit. But seeing as how he's a robot, things aren't going too well. Over the course of the show, he tries out various activities, such as decorating and caroling.

Batman, on the other hand, is not a big fan of the holiday. He chooses to distract himself with work. But when Red Tornado gives him a present, the memories of Christmas past start to haunt him.

Through a series of flashbacks, we see little Bruce Wayne under the Christmas tree with his parents as they give him what he's sure is the swashbuckling action figure that he desperately wants. But when he opens the present, he finds a nutcracker instead. He gives his parents a look like, "What the frack?" and then Thomas Wayne, his dad, explains to him that this nutcracker belonged to Bruce's grandfather, who gave it to Thomas when he was Bruce's age, and now Thomas is passing it downto Bruce. Bruce is not amused. In a fit of rage, he hurls the nutcracker across the room where it hits a wall, and shatters into pieces. Thomas looks understandably disappointed.

Later that evening, Bruce and his parents exit a movie theater showing THE MARK OF ZORRO. You can see where this is going. Thomas explains to Bruce that since he couldn't find the in-high-demand swashbuckling action figure that Bruce wanted, he thought that the next best thing would be to take him to see a swashbuckling hero on the big screen. Bruce makes it clear that this is not an acceptable substitute, and again, Thomas looks disappointed to have let his kid down. Then the family walks together into the blackness of a dark alley, and shortly thereafter, two gunshots can be heard.

Now tell me that's not some fracked up shit!

New BSG!

Maxim's favorite guilty pleasure is back with new webisodes which can be seen here.

Because of this series' focus on Gaeta, there's some speculation that he may be the final Cylon. Well, I just want to say that I called that shit back in the first season finale.

You heard it here first! Gaeta is the final Cylon.

Cigarettes & Coffee

After 15 years, P.T. Anderson's short film, CIGARETTES & COFFEE has finally made its way onto the internet.


Cigarettes & Coffee from maverick chen on Vimeo.

Guilty Pleasure?

In the new issue of MAXIM, there is a feature called "The Countdown," which lists what they describe as "Five amazing, cool, and slightly alarming things we're obsessed with in December." Number One is Grace Park. Their explanation reads, "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's sexiest spacewoman is the best reason to watch this sci-fi guilty pleasure. Don't agree? Go frak yourself!"

All of the above is perfectly fine and dandy, and normally I'd be totally into it. Except for one little thing. "Guilty sci-fi pleasure?" What the Frack?!

Anyone who feels guilty about watching BATTLESTAR GALACTICA has some very serious problems. Shit. You should feel guilty about not watching BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

12/9 Go (HD! 1999, D. Liman)


MON 12/15 On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969, P. Hunt)


MON 12/22 Home Alone (HD! 1990, C. Columbus)


12/30 Four Rooms (1995, A. Anders, A. Rockwell, R. Rodriguez, Q. Tarantino)


1/6 The Dark Knight (HD! 2008, C. Nolan)


1/13 Star Trek: The Next Generation--All Good Things... (1994, W. Kolbe)


1/20 Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991, N. Meyer)


1/27 Magnolia (1999, P.T. Anderson)

Tower of Terror? WTF?

The other day, I was walking through Best Buy and I spotted a DVD for a Disney movie called TOWER OF TERROR, starring Kirsten Dunst and Steve Guttenberg.

My first thought was, "That's weird. I've never heard of that movie before." But then the more I thought about it, the more it fracked with my mind.

Since this movie is based on the ride at MGM Studios, and the ride is based on THE TWILIGHT ZONE, does that mean that the movie fits into TWILIGHT ZONE continuity? I'm saying yes. And the bad part about that is now I feel obligated to watch it.

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

11/11 Saving Private Ryan (1998, S. Spielberg)


11/18 8 Mile (HD! 2002, C. Hanson)


MON 11/24 Journeys With George (2003, A. Pelosi)


12/2 Four Brothers (HD! 2005, J. Singleton)


12/9 Go (HD! 1999, D. Liman)


12/16 On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969, P. Hunt)


MON 12/22 Home Alone (HD! 1990, C. Columbus)


12/30 Four Rooms (1995, A. Anders, A. Rockwell, R. Rodriguez, Q. Tarantino)

SPIDER-MAN 3 Sucks

Recently, I re-watched the Spider-Man Trilogy on Blu-ray. Despite my opinion of the first movie dropping steadily over the past 6 years, and my belief from Day One that the last movie is shit, I went into these movies with an open mind. I left with even less respect for them than I used to have.


SPIDER-MAN plays like a kids movie. It's goofy and slapstick. The origin is boring. The villain is a cartoon of Hannah-Barbera proportions. It's a series of cringe-inducing moments stacked one on top of the other. Anything that may have been cool about this turd can also be found in...


SPIDER-MAN 2, which actually holds up really well. I think the key to this movie's success is the use of Mary Jane. That relationship totally works here. It's a really weird choice to end the movie on a shot of her in general, and that shot in particular. But it says a lot about the movie, and I absolutely love it. It's the reason why I was so looking forward to...


SPIDER-MAN 3. I should've known what a dark path we were on when this movie started with a montage of still photos from the previous movies instead of Alex Ross' interpretation of those scenes. It was all downhill from there.

The thing that amazes me, what compels me to bitch about this on the internet, is how astoundingly bad that movie really is. How can so many smart people make so many bad choices? How can the Mary Jane storyline be turned into the most cliche cliche in the history of cliches? How can a script be so ineptly written that the only way to get from Point A to Point B to Point C is by coincidence? What's with the retroactive continuity? Doesn't it cheapen Spider-Man's origin in favor of some lame-ass villain's? What's with the way the movie is hacked together without any sense of rhythm as soon as Spidey gets his black suit? The list goes on and on. It's a huge piece of shit. It's not worth watching. I've been duped into seeing it three times now. There will not be a fourth.

What is it with comic movie trilogies? SPIDER-MAN 2, BLADE II, X2, THE DARK KNIGHT... Why are the second movies so awesome, and the third movies so bad? I can understand origin stories being boring, but shouldn't the third movies be better? After all, they have a stronger base to build on.

Oh well, here's hoping that SHADOW OF THE BAT will live up to its predecessors, and that SPIDER-MAN 4 will be short...

Who's Nailin' Paylin?

Dirty Politics

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

10/14 The Matrix (HD! 1999, A. Wachowski & L. Wachowski)


WED 10/22 From Dusk Till Dawn (1996, R. Rodriguez)


10/28 Chasing Amy (1997, K. Smith)


11/4 Primary (1960, R. Drew)


11/11 Saving Private Ryan (1998, S. Spielberg)


11/18 8 Mile (HD! 2002, C. Hanson)


MON 11/24 Journeys With George (2003, A. Pelosi)

Oh Well...

At least the Sox still have...

Southpaw



The Pride Crew



A World Series Trophy



And Obama's Support

Do or Die, Part 4

Sox vs. Rays, Monday @ 4:07

Do or Die, Part 3

Sox vs. Rays, 3:07pm

Buyer Beware

If you have yet to purchase your AL Central Division Champions Locker Room T-Shirt, watch out! They run a full size too large.

Obama's Favorite Team Clinches!

Now I can relax for a day.

Question of the Day

"So, is this a pretty good movie?"

--Asked by cashier at Best Buy while purchasing The Godfather Trilogy on Blu-ray

Neal Cotts: The Anti-Curse?

While listening to the Cubs clinch the division yesterday, I had a thought. If they go on to win the World Series this year, Neal Cotts will become the answer to an awesome trivia question. If I'm not mistaken, he will become the only player in history to have won a championship on both sides of Chicago.

Schindler vs. Jehovah

While most people see Jehovah's Witnesses as an annoyance, I see them as a challenge. Obviously, they try really hard to convert people to Christianity. But speaking as a hardcore atheist, nothing in life would give me a greater sense of accomplishment than converting a Jehovah's Witness to atheism.

These guys are very crafty. My friend Ed told me that on numerous occasions they've tricked him into opening the door by having a cute girl ring the bell while all of the old guys stood off to the side, out of sight. They word things in such a way that it leaves little room for debate. But last week when they showed up at my door, they slipped up a bit, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

My regular witness, a middle-aged woman, showed up with an older woman. She was looking for Steve. I told her that there was no one by that name at my house, but she wouldn't believe me. So she asked me again, and with a chuckle I said, "Well, I guess I could see if he's living in back room. I haven't been back there in a while." She laughed, and said "Okay."

...and then there were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence before I realized that she thought I was serious. I told her that I was kidding, and that no one named Steve lived at my house.

As usual, she didn't skip a beat, asking me if I'd like a copy of The Watchtower. I said okay, and figured that was the end her visit. But then she asked me if I studied the Bible. I told her I used to, but not anymore.

All of a sudden, her eyes lit up. "What? Why?" I told her that I was raised Catholic, but then I grew up, and realized that most mythologies since the dawn of time existed in order to explain the unexplainable, and as scientists came up with better explanations, each of these mythologies slowly but surely disappeared. And sooner or later, everything will be explained with science, and there will be no need for the supernatural explanations which today's mythologies provide.

She looked at me like she kind of didn't know what I was talking about and said, "So you're one of those... What do they call them?"

ME: Atheists?

HER: Right! You're an atheist?

ME: Absolutely.

HER: Well if God doesn't exist, then where did all of this come from?

ME: Evolution.

HER: Oh... So you believe in that... theory.

ME: Yes. Just like you believe in the theory of God. The only difference is that there is plenty of proof to back up my theory, and absolutely no proof to support yours.

HER: What about the Bible?

ME: The Bible was written by men. Kind of like Star Trek was written by men.

At this point she looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "Well, you do know that Star Trek isn't real, right?"

ME: Yes, of course I know that Star Trek isn't real. But it makes a lot more sense than anything that's in the Bible.

HER: Well then how do you explain how the Earth is floating in space, do you think it's being held up by four giant elephants or something?

ME: No, I think it's being held up by gravity. You know, rotating around the sun?

HER: Well what about the flowers and birds and everything? Where did they come from?

ME: I told you. Evolution.

HER: Well let me ask you a question. What has evolution done for you?

ME: It gave me thumbs, and stereoscopic vision, and all kinds of cool stuff.

HER: Well what has it done for you lately?

ME: Not much. It did its job really well a long time ago.

HER: Man was created by God.

ME: No, God was created by man. Man created God as a coping mechanism, because people cannot wrap their heads around the idea that some day they will cease to exist.

This led to a discussion of the last days, which apparently are upon us. She asked me if I had noticed things getting worse over the past few years. I said sure, but we're talking about an extraordinarily small amount of time which is in no way indicative of all existence. At this point, the old lady entered the conversation:

OLD LADY: Well I'm 90 years old, and I can tell you that things have definitely gotten worse in my lifetime.

ME: Yeah, but cosmically speaking, 90 years is still an incredibly short amount of time. It's just a blip in history.

At that point, they gave up, handed me a Watchtower, and left. The thing I love about these guys is that I say all this stuff, and they look at me like I'm the crazy one. What can you do...

The Second Coming

I've been reading I'M A LEBOWSKI, YOU'RE A LEBOWSKI, a book written by the founders of Lebowski Fest. In it is an interview with John Turturro where he discusses his plans for THE SECOND COMING, a movie which I heard about a while back, and which we need to do everything in our power to get made. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

John Turturro: Joel and Ethan, I've been talking to them about doing not exactly a sequel, but a spinoff of the Jesus. I wanna call it THE SECOND COMING. I've got a whole scenario now and I'm going to meet with them and talk to them about it. I don't know if they would want to direct it, but maybe they would just write it. Low budget. The Jesus gets out of prison and you see him, and then he has to go to his brother to get a job. And he tries different jobs, and he winds up driving a school bus.

And then there is a sports team, and they usually have their own driver, but he replaces him, and he has to drive a school team of girl volleyball players. So it's kind of a road movie.

So you would see his trailer-trash father when he got out of prison. The guy lives in a trailer, and that would be like F. Murray Abraham. He'd be Joseph.

Then, like THE BAD NEWS BEARS, he gets lured back into bowling. Or he tries to bowl and not be aggressive, but he's no good that way. He gets back in shape like Rocky. And then enters this big tournament and maybe wins money so that they can have a new volleyball field. Some shit like that.

And, you know, he prays for strength. And of course God is the Dude.

Bums: Of course.

JT: And the dude comes and gives him, "Be cool. Hang out." So it's kind of like a spinoff. THE SECOND COMING. He shows them all because he's an expert dancer of Latin dances. And maybe he hooks up with his old partner.

Bums: Liam!

JT: Liam. And the Jesus.

Bums: One more question, on the topic of a sequel. John Goodman mentioned THE SECOND COMING, and said that the Coen brothers say they're only going to do one sequel, and it's called OLD FINK. They're going to wait until you get older and do a sequel to BARTON FINK.

JT: Yeah, that they're serious about. This, I just want them to write. They don't have to direct this. I'll direct it myself. I'll make a low-budget film of the Jesus. I feel like I have to do it for THE BIG LEBOWSKI fans. Almost like I have no choice now. And I've got to do it within the next couple of years.

I tell them, "We can make like the lowest-budget film of all-time. It's about the Jesus." It's not a sequel. OLD FINK is a sequel. This is more of a spinoff. Starring, you know, the Jesus.

Please, God, please! Let this happen! I need to see this movie now!

Billy Wilder's Election '08

So far, my favorite character in this year's election is Bristol Palin's fiance, Levi Johnston. Do you think he ever anticipated himself factoring into the decision of who will lead this country? In my mind, the series of events closely mirror those in Billy Wilder's masterpiece, ONE, TWO, THREE.

And while we're on the subject of ONE, TWO, THREE, who the frack has my copy? I lent it to someone about five years ago, and I never got it back. Everyone's denying they have it. But someone does, so give it back. Thanks.

SPOILERS!

Anyway, in that movie, James Cagney plays the head of the Coca-Cola bottling plant in West Berlin shortly after the wall went up. He's desperately trying to get transferred to London, and he finally sees the opportunity arise when his boss's 18 year-old daughter stops by Berlin on her vacation in Europe. All Cagney needs to do is keep her out of trouble, and the London job is his.

Inevitably, the girl's been sneaking to the other side of the wall, where she's married a communist. After going through the trouble of having the marriage annulled, Cagney finds out that she is, in fact, pregnant. Then begins a mad dash to make this dude respectable and get the couple remarried before the boss arrives in Berlin to pick up his little girl. They pay off a baron to adopt the dude, making him royalty, and then clean him up and give him enough money to realize that capitalism isn't so bad after all.

END SPOILERS!

Don't you get the impression this is what's happening with Levi Johnston? They give Palin the nomination. She says, "Thanks! By the way, my teenage daughter is pregnant." The GOP freaks out.

Quick, where's the father? It's this dude over here! Levi Schwartz? How about Levi Johnston? That sounds better. Wanna get married? But you're already 18! You've got one foot in the grave anyway. Well, how 'bout we send you to Yale, and then give you a nice big government job on the way out. You! go down to the jeweler and buy that girl a ring. Did we forget anything? Oh, thank God.

The whole thing really does feel like a screwball comedy. And what's really gonna be funny is four months from now, after McCain is elected, when Bristol pops that kid out, and it's black.

Tuesday Night Movie Club Schedule

WED 9/10 Jerry Maguire (HD! 1996, C. Crowe)


9/16 Risky Business (HD! 1983, P. Brickman)


9/23 The Godfather: Part II (HD! 1974, F.F. Coppola)


9/30 Mission: Impossible III (HD! 2006, J.J. Abrams)


10/7 Hannibal (2001, R. Scott)


10/14 The Matrix (HD! 1999, A. Wachowski & L. Wachowski)


10/21 From Dusk Till Dawn (HD! 1996, R. Rodriguez)


10/28 Chasing Amy (1997, K. Smith)