Best... Movies... Ever...?

You know those guys you see in the DVD aisles at Best Buy? They're usually just browsing, looking for a good blind buy. And the movies that they pick are inevitably things like DARK BLUE, SNAKE EYES, or EXIT WOUNDS. If they've seen a movie theatrically that they like enough to buy, it'll be something like AMERICAN GANGSTER. They're the reason why movies like THE ART OF WAR II are made.

Occasionally, these guys will see you browsing with your own stack of movies, and be like, "Hey, any suggestions?" I always try to trick them into something like SYDNEY in the hopes that it'll blow their minds and make them reconsider what it is the medium is capable of.

There are two movies which I saw trailers for over the weekend which look incredible. They are both quintessential examples of movies that these guys buy.

The first is RIGHTEOUS KILL. It stars Academy Award Winner Robert DeNiro, and Academy Award Winner Al Pacino as two cops who play by their own rules! The premise is that there's a serial killer who's killing criminals that beat the system. The twist is that he's a cop! The trailer features such lines as "We gotta find this guy. Give him a medal!" and "There's nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot!" Toss in 50 Cent to add some street cred, and Carla Gugino as the voluptuous female cop, and you've got yourself a bestseller. Did I mention it's from the director of Pacino's last big hit, 88 MINUTES? One way or another, this movie's gonna be awesome!

The second movie is FAST & FURIOUS. See what they did there? It's like THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, only without the the's. See, they're kicking it old school, bringing back Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. As the tagline puts it, "New Model, Original Parts." When I saw the trailer for this before DEATH RACE, I swear to God I heard a hushed, wavering voice from the back of the theater say, "Best... movie... ever...!" And when the "Summer 2009" card came up at the end of trailer, the audience was not amused. I guarantee that if they said, "FAST & FURIOUS will be showing immediately following the conclusion of DEATH RACE," everyone in that theater would've stayed, including myself. And I don't give a shit about that series.

RIGHTEOUS KILL and FAST & FURIOUS will have record-setting blind buys from those guys at Best Buy, and it's a good thing too. Because I really can't imagine anyone buying those movies after they've seen them.

The Worst Day Ever, Part 2

So later that day, I sliced my finger open on a jagged piece of metal. Normally, I wouldn't have worried about it. But it was bleeding a lot. At one point, I thought I had stopped it, and then looked down to see my entire hand literally dripping with blood.

After about half an hour of this, I decided to call the nurse hotline. The nurse told me how to stop the bleeding, and said that I shouldn't worry about the cut, aside from getting a tetanus shot. After debating back and forth whether this was worth a trip to the emergency room, or whether I was just being paranoid, I decided that it would be a good idea to have a tetanus shot anyway, so I might as well walk down to the hospital, which is a block away from my house.

When they finally gave me a room, a guy who was probably younger than me came in to scrub my wound with a surgical sponge. After scrubbing for a while, he said "Whoops!" and dropped the sponge on the floor. Then he picked it up, and was about to scrub some more, before realizing what it was he was doing. Then he said, "Well, I don't think we're gonna get it much cleaner than that," and walked away.

A little later, another guy came in and told me to lie down. I was starting to get the feeling that this was a BIG LEBOWSKI moment. I got the impression that this doctor was a good man. And thorough. And it freaked me out. But I laid down, and he looked at my finger, and said I needed a "steri-strip" and a tetanus shot. Then he asked me when I had to go back to work. I told him Monday. He thought about it, and said "You'll be fine by then," and walked away.

At this point, I started freaking out a little bit. What the frack is a steri-strip, and why would it keep me out of work for two days?

I found out while later when someone else came in to apply it. Apparently, it's just a piece of tape which is designed to hold the wound closed. But because of the size and location of the cut, the technician couldn't figure out how to put it on. She finally put a little piece on, and said, "Keep it clean and dry, and it'll fall off on its own." It ended up falling off before I was able to get out the door.

So then she said, "Okay. You're done." "What about the tetanus shot?" I asked. That's the whole reason I went in there. I didn't need to wait an hour and a half to get a piece of tape put on my finger. She checked back with the doctor, and he said she might as well give me the shot. So she did, and then I left.

And this is why I try to avoid going to see doctors. Usually, they tell me to drink more water. In this case, they put a piece of tape on my finger. Was that really worth the time and effort? Um... no.

The Worst Day Ever, Part 1

Friday was a bad day. Like most bad days, Oak Park's parking department had something to do with it.

If you've spent any amount of time in the OP, you know that parking in this town is a bitch. Millions and millions of park spots all over the place, and you're not allowed to park in any of them.

Over the years, I have called the parking department in an effort to find solutions to various problems. I've left somewhere around a dozen messages in my lifetime, and not a single call has ever been returned. On the very rare occasion that I am able to reach someone in their offices, I'd say that solutions to my problems have been offered about half of the time.

There's a lot which I park in which has one of those "pay and display" machines. Basically, you buy a debit card from the village, and then when you park, a machine takes money off of your card, and prints up a receipt to put in your windshield. If the machine doesn't work, you're supposed to call a number posted on the machine. Personally, I have to call the number so frequently that I have it programmed into my phone under B for "Bitches."

On Friday, the machine would not let me insert my card. So I called the number, just like I was supposed to, and left a message with my info, never expecting to hear from them again.

But 45 minutes later, I actually got a call. Some dude said that I left a message on his supervisor's voice mail, and wanted the details. I told him the situation, and he said, "I don't know... We've only gotten one other call about this."

I was thinking to myself, "How many calls do you usually get about this? Don't two calls usually indicate a problem?" But I didn't say that. Instead, I politely informed him that every other car parked in that lot had their debit card placed in the windshield, indicating that they couldn't get the machine to work either.

"Well," he responded in the tone of a parent scolding his child, "everyone should have been told not to do that, because the heat will warp the cards, and then they won't work at all."

The balls on this fracker! I could not believe that he was giving me shit about this! One thing that has become abundantly clear in recent years is that Oak Park does not see parking as a public service. It's straight up business to them. And this is how you treat your customers?

So I said, "Well, the reason they weren't told was probably because the parking department is really bad at communication."

Then he audibly sighed, and said he'd look into it. Yeah, you go do that, bitch.

I hate Oak Park!

The Holy Grail of Baseball Caps

Why is it so hard for me to find a goddamn North Carolina baseball cap? All I want is the same cap the baseball team wears. And they have four of them! I'm even willing to settle for an unofficial version of the cap. But they don't seem to exist.

The authentic cap is made by Nike. It's fitted, with a mesh material similar to that of the original New Era batting practice caps. Each cap has the standard interlocking "NC" logo. As far as I can tell, there are four different color schemes: White with navy blue brim and logo, White with Carolina blue brim and logo, Carolina blue with navy blue brim and white logo, and Navy blue with Carolina blue brim and logo.

The overwhelming majority of UNC caps, official or not, have the same "NC" logo, and feature the same three colors of white, navy blue, and Carolina blue. Obviously, the overwhelming majority of caps in general have three primary components: The crown, the brim, and the logo. So three colors times three components equals 9 basic combinations. The baseball team uses four of them. Their official website carries 54 different types of hats. And not a single one is one of those four combinations.

How frack is that possible? It defies the laws of probability. It doesn't make any damn sense. But that's how it's been forever.

Last year, after searching far and wide on the internet, I decided to call the UNC bookstore. Surely, they would have it. And they did! But they wouldn't sell it to me, because I'm not a student.

However, they did give me the name of a store I could try called Chapel Hill Sports Wear. From what I can tell, they're sort of UNC's version of Grandstand. I called them up, and they said that they did carry the cap, but were out of stock. Fortunately, they were scheduled to get more in at the start of the season. So I placed my order, and a few weeks later, my hat arrived. However, Nike's sizing was way larger than New Era's, and so the cap was way too big on my head.

I called the store back, and they said that I should return the cap with a note, and they would send me the correct size. But of course, by the time my cap arrived back in North Carolina, they were sold out of my size. And so, I still don't have a cap.

Last week I was at Lid's, and they had a version of the cap. But it was purposefully "weathered," with stains and tears. I'm thinking of picking one up out of desperation, but it seems kind of lame.

So if you ever happen to see an official UNC Baseball cap, pick one up for me. My size is 7 1/8, except for Nike, which is apparently a 7. I'll pay you back. Thanks.

Star Trek Marathons

One of the few things which gave me incredible amounts of joy during my junior high years was WPWR's annual Star Trek marathons. I still remember my first one vividly. It was a NEXT GENERATION marathon, unusually spread out over 2 days, airing April 28th and 29th, 1993. I can even tell you the ten episodes, as selected by viewers, in order:

10. Deja Q
9. Q Who?
8. I, Borg
7. QPid
6. Cause and Effect
5. The Game
4. The Inner Light
3. Yesterday's Enterprise
2. The Best of Both Worlds, Part I
1. The Best of Both Worlds, Part II

As someone who'd been watching Star Trek for only 5 months, I was really excited to see the best that Trek had to offer. Unfortunately, my plans to watch it live were thwarted by the Ethnic Diversity Parade, which my junior high marching band was participating in that afternoon. Ms. Holliman told us that our only excused absences would be for funerals. Lame. But I taped them all, and watched them a million times.

Star Trek marathons were always so exciting, and I always looked forward to them so much that now I feel guilty about not giving a shit about the two (!) which are airing this weekend.

Starting at 7:00am on Friday, The Sci-Fi Channel is airing 22 episodes of ENTERPRISE. Then at 7:00am on Monday, they're airing 15 episodes of THE NEXT GENERATION.

If this were happening when I was 13, I'd be counting the days. But now, I don't care. I own every single episode of Star Trek. I can watch them whenever I want. Why would I watch them on TV? Why would anyone watch them on TV?

There's some guy posting on trekmovie.com who was complaining about DEEP SPACE NINE's new 1:00am timeslot on Spike:

That’s why I still haven’t watched that series, despite how much everyone seems to love and recommend it. The episodes are in such a dead-end slot, and I have no idea when they’ll be at the beginning of the series so even recording them wouldn’t be much use… and forget about DVDs. I don’t have that kind of money. :(

You don't know how badly I hope that that's some pre-adolescent kid who's just now discovering Star Trek for the first time. Just think about how much fun he'll be having this weekend...

Mariotti Quits!

Look at that picture, and tell me that guy's not a dick.

Jay Mariotti has finally quit the Chicago Sun-Times. Apparently, he went to China for the Olympics, saw that all the media is web-based these days, and decided to leave his newspaper for the greener pastures of the internet.

Why does this make me so happy? Because I'll never have to read another one of his columns again. I know I didn't have to in the first place, but I felt compelled to anyway. I was amazed by how someone held in such high regard could be such a bad writer. It was amusing to read his spin on some random story, often taking a quote and building some sort of elaborate controversy out of it. Then I'd flip back a couple pages to read Joe Cowley's account of events, which he was actually there to witness, and see how incredibly blown out of proportion Mariotti's take was.

I also loved how much he criticized people for using foul language, while simultaneously fighting dirty every step of the way. It reminded me of Mancow, who always talked about how much he loved Jesus, and then made his living by degrading random people.

If you're looking for some Mariotti highlights, check out this encapsulated look at his coverage of the 2005 White Sox championship season.

Or go to Jay the Joke , where you'll find all sorts of awesome stuff.

Woody Allen = Creepy Old Guy

Does anyone else get the impression that Woody Allen keeps writing roles for Scarlett Johansson in his movies just so that he can have her act out the sexual fantasies he has about her? Because I totally get that impression.